disobedience part 2
Disobedience: failure or refusal to obey
So, as mentioned in the previous post, I have some issues with people branding behaviour they don’t understand or agree with as ‘disobedience’. But, to be honest, I have issues with the whole notion of disobedience. As rational creatures with the gift of logic at our disposal, the concept of ‘obeying’ is archaic at best and obsolete at worst. People need to be given the tools to make their own decisions, and this includes children.
I personally was brought up to ‘obey’. Obey my parents, obey teachers, obey all adults, just obey. If I was told, as a child, to do something and given no reason, I was left with the same desire to do it compounded by a confusing threatening command, or a painful slap if I was extra persistent. Desire to do something dangerous + fear of punishment = ignorant children doing stupid things when backs are turned. Nobody explained anything in those days; there was a kind kudos for parents and teachers that they just got obeyed for the sake of mindless authority.
Now, I’m aware my venture into parenting may ultimately be a complete disaster but I can comment on where we are now. A 16 month old with limited language and comprehension skills who wants to climb on, poke at and pretty much dismantle everything in sight. Natural evolutionary curiosity doesn’t phase me, but it seriously tires me. I’m discovering vast, untapped wells of patience. When my cheeky little imp wriggles out of her seatbelt in the pushchair, I can do several things. I can shout commands to be obeyed. I did try this, it had no effect. Slapping is thankfully no longer an option and, as I well recall from my own childhood, it doesn’t work and has undesirable side effects. Distraction is usually the best option, but there’s not much scope for it in this situation. What works, seriously, unbelievably, is asking her to please put her arms back in the seatbelt because it’s dangerous and she’ll bang her head. With a thank you.
I’m not counting on this approach working in every situation but I’m planning on ensuring there are no commands to be obeyed but requests with rational and logical reasoning. I fully expect my daughter to have her own opinions and reasons for doing things, but we’ll discuss them when they arise. I won’t expect, or even want, any form of blind obedience. You can wheel that back to the Middle Ages where it belongs.
I agree with you on this so much. Humans are naturally drawn to what’s exciting and new to them, and I suppose parents are the ones who are supposed to watch out for them in case they get into dangerous situations. Like with what you’ve written, this doesn’t mean that they have to hit their kids or force them to obey – using logic, especially with older kids, works out much better.
LikeLike
It’s definitely the way parenting needs to go. There’s still far too much emphasis on obedience and disciplining, as if children are simply ‘bad’ creatures with no minds of their own.
LikeLike
slapping has very undesirable side effects indeed. no point in teaching violence early!
LikeLike
Yes, I’m glad it’s gone out of fashion at long last …
LikeLike
I always found as a parent that one word from and they did as they liked 🙂
Considering how my two turned out this was just as well!
LikeLike
Intriguing …
LikeLike
Well, I commend you and wish/hope all the best… Having an 11 and 12-year-old I do have to admit in all honesty that my getting upset and (yes, shamefully) sometimes yelling really was not productive. On the other hand, I’ll be curious how not “issuing commands to be obeyed” turns out. Will this really work 100% of the time? I hope and pray it does! Good blog!
LikeLike
Yes, it does sound rather naive and idealistic, doesn’t it? I think what I was trying to say is that I don’t view any behaviour that inconveniences or annoys me as simply disobedient. My daughter has her own very good reasons for doing all the things some wayward people label as ‘sinful’, and I think it’s important for me as a parent to try and understand what those reasons are, even if it is just curiosity – it’s natural, healthy and positive. Now that she’s toddling around like a whirlwind, of course I’m shouting at her all day and self-correcting with the polite reasons. DON’T TOUCH THE COOKER … please because it’s dangerous and you’ll hurt yourself. She does respond a lot better to the rational explanations so far – the seatbelt story is absolutely true. It doesn’t work 100% of the time now, and I don’t expect the numbers will ever slide in my favour, but I definitely want her to understand there are logical reasons behind all of my requests. Saying all that, not looking forward to the teenage hormones kicking in – good luck with that!
LikeLike