if there’s an afterlife


If it’s not lights out, and there is in fact a surprise afterlife, I have a few requests:

  1. I don’t want to be trapped with my family for eternity and forced to populate a new planet.
  2. I don’t want to sit on a fancy couch with pretty people serving me drinks, with my pick of virgins to deflower.
  3. I don’t want most of the people I’ve met to be suffering eternal anguish while I sit smugly on a cloud, sipping moon juice and smiling at Jesus.
  4. I want to know which conspiracy theories are true and who really runs the world.
  5. I want to say sorry to all the animals I ate in my youth.
  6. I want to be my own orchestra.
  7. I want to be a swallow.
  8. I want to play with tigers and lions.
  9. I want to have a ride on a dragon or Pegasus, or both.
  10. I want to experience what goes through an ant’s mind when it picks up a leaf 50 times its size and carries along a pavement in line, exchanging information with fellow ants passing by.

What about you?