spine-tingling deities


I’m a huge Mike Patton fan. He’s a multi-talented, multi-faceted, multi-genre music-making genius extraordinaire. I love Faith No More, Fantomas, Peeping Tom and even that silly Italian orchestra stuff. Lots of other people love him too – webpages with references to “Mike Patton is God” abound. I listen to his music in pure ecstasy – all sorts of spine-tingling feelings that assure me this man is amazing. So, imagine my horror when I stumble upon YouTube interviews with this music deity incarnate, only to discover he’s just not cool. But seriously, like not cool at ALL.

Unusually, this got me thinking about other deities. Lots of Christians base their love for the god God on the evidence they have for his existence. There’s a book and there’s something of a spine-tingling feeling (maybe from the heart or soul, it’s difficult to pinpoint). Very similar to my situation with Mike Patton – I have music and a spine-tingling feeling. Except they don’t have a YouTube video to give them any further information.

So, we’ll have to go to the god God’s autobiography (The Bible) to see if we can find any further information about the true character of this elusively invisible deity. What glimpses of the god God’s personality can we find?


Let everything that has breath praise the LORD. Praise the LORD.

He really likes people singing his praises. Most confident beings don’t need to hear how great they are on a regular basis, but this god God pretty much demands to be worshipped and praised. Anyone else thinking self-esteem issues? This can happen to anyone, nothing to be ashamed of here. But he really takes it one step further by craving mindless glorifying and, to be frank, some terrible singing from clearly inferior and confused human beings.

poor decision maker

So the Lord said, “I will wipe from the face of the earth the human race I have created—and with them the animals, the birds and the creatures that move along the ground—for I regret that I have made them.”

This quote is a clear illustration of a stroppily bad creator, not happy with his sloppily poor workmanship. Apparently it’s possible to regret decisions you make even if you’re perfect and you know everything that’s going to happen.

jealous and vengeful 

I the Lord your God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and the fourth generation of those who hate me

There are lots of jealousy and revenge bits to choose from, but this is my favourite because it comes from the main rule tablets that apparently set our moral compass. It really doesn’t paint a pleasant picture. Jealous and vengeful doesn’t win brownie points with me in any context, but when it’s to the point of hurting innocent offspring, you have to wonder just how messed up a being can get.


I’m beginning to realise why this deity is hiding. A bit like Mike Patton, he would do well to stay in the shadows and assume people will think he’s cool if he just gives them the spine-tingling clue. Beauty goddess Kate Moss has taken a leaf out his book. Spine-tingling beauty but choosing to keep her mouth shut in public, just like all good Christian women in their loving house of worship.*

[*if you choose to accept one of the two ‘correct’ interpretations of these passages, you will know that the silence of women isn’t necessary, either because it was a cultural rule that doesn’t apply or because the original quotation marks didn’t make it to the deity-inspired English interpretations]