the crushing weight of responsibility
I’m a bit confused about parenthood.
- Parents usually make a choice to have children.
- Parents usually knowingly provide all the code that makes the physical body of their offspring.
- Parents are usually responsible for all the environmental factors that impact on the development of their children.
That all makes sense, right? So why do parents blame their children for acting up, misbehaving or being disobedient? It’s all the parents’ fault – they chose the child’s existence, they provided the physical body their child has available for processing information, and they are responsible for the provision of all the input that result in the child’s behaviour.
I always assumed that religions with creator deities were so successful because they provide a seductive extension of protective parenthood – the strong invisible father figure who loves, teaches, understands and ultimately controls everything. But I’m beginning to wonder if part of the appeal is to wiggle out of the crushing weight of responsibility that comes with being parents ourselves. A kind of “It wasn’t me! God made her!”
Imagine little two-year-old Maggie having a temper tantrum. Here are three differing potential parental responses:
Silly Parent: “There goes Satan making little Maggie sin again, I’d better go discipline her so she sees God’s light and behaves like a proper Christian child” (Satan + free will in child = temper tantrum)
Sensible Parent: “I hope this natural developmental phase passes soon or I can find some way to pre-empt it in the future.” (nature + not knowing answer = temper tantrum)
Realistic Parent: “Shit! She wouldn’t be doing that if I hadn’t forced her to exist! She wouldn’t be doing that if I’d structured her day differently! She would stop if I could work out what the hell is wrong!” (forced existence + poor parenting = temper tantrum)
It is a crushing weight and I’m hovering somewhere between sensible and realistic.
What about “Eccentric Parent”… one who throws a tantrum as wild as the kid!
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Haha, maybe I’ll do a series on this. 🙂
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You’re a good parent, Violet. The crushing weight of parental responsibility is too much for me, so I never had children. That’s a good thing for me, and for the rest of the world. In public places, I prefer to be around “realistic” parents than “sensible” ones. They do a better job of keeping their little monsters quiet.
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I can relate to that, I didn’t think I’d ever have children, and I feel the weight just as keenly having gone through with it. I think I’d prefer to be a sensible parent though.
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I have never once tried to shirk responsibility on someone else (including God). It’s my responsibility. And if my daughter is allowed to disturb or disrespect others, it is my responsibility. It doesn’t mean they won’t try, but I have the look down to a science. My daughter knows I mean business (no, I am not cruel) as I follow through with consequences. If any child throws a temper tantrum in public, my philosophy is that you leave or remove them. That way, no one else is disturbed and the parent is not tempted to give in so as not to cause a scene.
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Belief in a creator god does give a different angle though, don’t you think? Especially for those who believe children are born with ‘sin’. I think it’s really potentially harmful for parenting. Temper tantrums are completely natural – most young children have no way to control their strong emotions and don’t even understand what they’re feeling. I’m not sure my daughter needs to know that I ‘mean business’, she just needs the space and time to calm down. The only consequence from my point of view is that I would try to avoid similar trigger situations (usually hungry, tired or over-stimulated at the this point) She’s only one and half so I’m sure the worst of it is yet to come …
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Violet, I do NOT teach my daughter about her sinful nature. I’ve tried to explain I’m not your typical Christian. That belief is a bastardization in my opinion and is usually parroted by people who get their bible learnin’ from someone else and not their own studies. Yes, we all sin (do bad things, whatever you want to call it) but those things do not define us (unless we turn into serial killers, etc.).
I’m old (48 years) so I’ve had the opportunity to see many of my friends raise their children. Some have had good outcomes and some have not. I have friends who have approached parenting from the free-range style (OK, but keep them away from me) and some who are stricter than I am (where I have cringed at the language used). There is no magic bullet. Most parents lose control (if it is going to happen) in Middle School where peer pressure does more to set the course than anything the parents do. So, very important to have a strong child by that time if your child goes to public school.
My philosophy is/was that I would teach boundaries early so that my daughter and I would not spend all those amazing, wonderful years in a battle of wills. I’m not saying my way is best, but it has worked for us.
We enjoy each other’s company (she just turned 9) and at the same time I feel confident that she will behave decently when I’m not around. She is a normal kid, for the most part, though other parents do tend to note how well behaved she is when we are out in public. She was not beaten or berated. I just had expectations and consequences on which I followed through. I enjoy being my daughter’s friend, but I am her parent first and if I have to be one or the other, it will be the parent.
Sure, I tried to avoid getting my daughter overtired, etc. But not every tantrum is triggered by such stimuli. Kids use tantrums to get their way. If it works, they will continue to employ that technique. I always give a choice; you can do this or that (one being the right choice and one being something the child isn’t necessarily going to like). My daughter has chosen to stand in the corner or sit in time out because she needed to cool off. I’m fine with that. But she is at an age now where that is no longer necessary.
I give parents the benefit of the doubt. They know their child and usually know by that inner parent sense what will work and what will not. However, some parents appear to be clueless. I’m sure that is not you.
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I think all parents are clueless. Some just hide it better. 🙂
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OMG YES YES YES YES THIS. SO. THIS.
I have been waiting for someone to say this my whole life. I’m so glad I’m finally not the only one.
Totes reblogging 🙂
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Thanks Tiffany! Glad you liked it.
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Reblogged this on Tiffany's Non-Blog.
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Most people are not sensible, realistic you have very few, no wonder most parents are at number 1.
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Yikes! I thankfully don’t know anyone who thinks the evil fairy character Satan is involved, but it does seem a lot of people blame inconvenient behaviour on the ‘choice’ of the child, which is a bit bizarre given their limited understanding and complete lack of control over their environment.
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I work at a school and wholeheartedly agree with what you wrote. You can see it: every time a child behaves in a certain way, you meet the parents and you understand. It’s almost like math.
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I wonder what the formula is …
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I heard a fragment of the BBC news this morning and somebody said: “Laura was very happy to know that her bad behaviour was caused by events in the front of her brain.”
Part of me thought: “Good for Laura,” but that was a cynical part, I guess.
I think in this case, there are different things at play. On the one hand some temper tantrums in the very young are inevitable, I think. You can sometimes see a child being torn apart by different drives and impulses. The other part is the parent. A child should be able to look upon a parent as the one who takes responsibility and keeps an eye on the bigger picture. For that part, I agree with Cindy’s “leave or remove them.”
Having a discussion with a two-year-old in full tantrum (something I see happening on a regular basis) is outrageous, I think.
Still, just from the fact that you write this, you come across as a sensible parent to me! 🙂
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“Having a discussion with a two-year-old in full tantrum (something I see happening on a regular basis) is outrageous” I know what you mean, the child is overwhelmed with emotions, and is usually in no state to be reasoned with, so distraction is generally the best course of action. However, I can’t quite quite find the idea of discussion ‘outrageous’ as I can understand the instinct to attempt to calm the child with words and attempt to make them see sense, however futile it may actually be in most cases. I’m sure I’m only a few months away from being one of those powerless parents standing in public place with a screaming child I can’t control. Can’t wait! 🙂
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I see what you mean, and I don’t envy you! 🙂
But what I referred to are parents who are trying to make the screaming two-year-old see the world from their point of view.
“Don’t you see that mummy is just a bit tired now? And that all the nice people in the supermarket would rather shop in peace?” Stuff like that.
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Yeah, that used to drive me crazy too! I really hope I don’t end up doing it, hehe.
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Our 4-month-old is in the throes of sleep regression right now; I haven’t gotten more than 3 hours of sleep in a stretch for weeks and weeks. But I don’t for a moment think there’s anything morally wrong with my kid.
Some friend of ours wrote a long piece about how her 2-month-old’s failure to sleep through the night reminded her that everyone is a sinner….I wanted to strangle her.
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How about: Pragmatic parent: “This child didn’t choose all of the circumstances she now finds herself in, yet she needs to learn the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior in a way that doesn’t stifle her sense of control over herself. I will remove her from the situation when she is acting out in an inappropriate way.” (unpleasant circumstances + immaturity = temper tantrum)
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Excellent! I can tell you’re an experienced parent. And not a silly one.
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Yes, Frogman.
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That’s so frightening and horrible! Honestly, I find that completely disturbingly ignorant, foul and dangerous. I don’t want to strangle your friend, I want to strangle the idiots that pedal that kind of superstitious, glaringly stupid and downright lazy type of parenting philosophy. There’s just no excuse for it in the world today. Sorry to hear you’re not sleeping, but so glad you moved out of moron-land. Spread your good word! (Are you missing Ark?)
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It’s really bothersome.
And yes, I’m def missing Ark. What’s he been up to?
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He’s disappeared. John doesn’t know where he is either. Maybe we should start a campaign for his return. Do you want to make some banners?
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YES.
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Hm… interesting thoughts, though I don’t entirely agree – yes, the parent brought the child into existence, but I don’t think that makes the parent responsible for every little aspect of the environment that affects the child. I think that’s reducing it way too far in terms of logic. For example, if a rapist attacks someone’s daughter, the parents do not deserve to assume guilt just because they are the ones who brought the daughter into this earth. Yes, the rape wouldn’t have happened if not for them, but neither would have all the great things in the daughter’s life. Philosophically I agree with what you’ve written though there are many more shades of gray in my opinion.
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It is a complicated issue. I stuck specifically to young childhood because the child has no control over their environment and a limited ability to deal with anything. But I do think the absolute responsibility extends well past this. I’ll inevitably feel terrible for any suffering my daughter experiences, and ‘brought it upon herself’ won’t be an issue for me.
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