breaking news: bible translation errors discovered

You heard it here first folks! All English versions of the Bible have been mistranslated. This accounts for some Christians around the world getting conflicting advice from their personal discussions with the god God, and what was previously believed to be the inerrant Word of their god God.

Here’s the first tantalising correction:

Matthew 8:5-13

When Jesus had entered Capernaum, a centurion came to him, asking for help. “Lord,” he said, “my servant lies at home paralyzed, suffering terribly.”

Jesus said to him, “Why are you telling me? I have no interest in helping foreigners, never mind the enemies of my people.”

The centurion replied, “Lord, I do not deserve to have you come under my roof. But just say the word, and my servant will be healed. For I myself am a man under authority, with soldiers under me. I tell this one, ‘Go,’ and he goes; and that one, ‘Come,’ and he comes. I say to my servant, ‘Do this,’ and he does it.”

When Jesus heard this, he was amazed and said to those following him, “Truly I tell you, I have not found anyone with such impudence. Why would this idiot think I’d help someone of another race, whose primary object is to subjugate my nation, and who could well pose a serious risk to my own personal safety and those I love?”

Then Jesus said to the centurion, “Go away! And I know you’ve been having gay sex with your ‘servant’. Just to let you know I don’t approve of that either!” And his servant dropped dead at that moment.

So now we know why Insanitybytes and her empathetically-challenged Christian support crew have been publishing endless posts that clearly contradict the stories in the Bible – their god was communicating the real message to them directly until he could inspire someone to publish the translation faults for the rest of humanity (me).

More translation fault revelations will be forthcoming.

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