violet’s love advice
When I was younger, I was obsessed with love. I wanted to find ‘the one’ and spend the rest of my life in utter bliss with this perfect match.
Now I’m a bit older and have been round the block a bit, I feel a bit sad that our adolescent chemicals are so easily harnessed by silly books and films with impossible endings. Why does no-one write a best-selling book and film about a teenager discovering that the hormones that make them crave this magical bonding are only there because we’re animals who have to breed to survive? Why do sex education classes not go over in detail how our brains and erogenous zones are fooled into thinking ‘this is the most special thing ever!’ solely so that we’ll be tricked into making babies? And even if our sexuality means we can’t be led down the breeding path, that those pleasure centres only exist because of the need our animal bodies feel to breed.
The importance of placing all our strongest urges in their biological context cannot be ignored, especially living in a society that plays on these objectively mundane physical facts of life, by driving a lucrative market around their ability to drive us into a frenzy.
Bearing all this in mind, there is another aspect of modern love matching that is completely irrational – tick boxes. So many people have a list of things they need fulfilled in order to even consider romantic involvement with another person. Silly things like looks, money, education, car, shoes, hair, curtains or musical taste.
Now, it’s one thing to not be mentally prepared for the onslaught of your chemicals when someone sparks them off, but it’s another to try and fit ‘love’ into a box. It is chemicals. You can’t dictate to your body when to be in love with someone because of the car they drive or because of the job they do.
So, Violet’s lesson in love goes like this:
– don’t be tricked by the gooey, squidgy feeling you might get from films or books about love, into thinking love is a ‘magic’ match with one special person
– once you’ve past your early 20s your potential market is significantly diminished, if you want a relationship you’ll probably have to put some serious effort into finding someone – the ‘magic’ match from the movies is unlikely to fall from the sky
– read about your love chemicals and understand how they will wax and wane throughout any relationship, and how to make the most out of them without taking them too seriously
– don’t be tricked by your own unimaginative expectations into thinking you should attempt relationships because someone looks good on paper – if they don’t smell of sex now, they’re not a viable romantic partner
– don’t give up on a relationship because the lust chemicals seem to die down for a period of time, bear in mind that separating from someone with whom you’ve created an attachment can feel like being ripped in half
– don’t expect not to be continually attracted to a range of people throughout any relationship – enjoy the feeling and don’t take it seriously, attempting to suppress it will only cause problems
– never chose a partner based on what curtains you’ll have
– if you want a romantic partner and can’t find one, get a dog – they more than fulfill the basic need/love attachment, making you a more attractive prospect for others in the interim
Which is why this Oxytocin molecule necklace is the best present ever
LikeLiked by 4 people
BTW, you know Insanity is going to drop a monsoon of “Oh poor Violet” on you for this 😉
LikeLike
She comes from the home of modern romantic love tales – her head’s in the clouds, surrounding by vampires.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL.
And sorry that picture was so damn big. Wasn’t intentional.
LikeLike
You’re clearly on some kind of necklace commission. 🙂
LikeLike
The rains started 🙂
LikeLike
In that case jz, why don’t you stand under the showers from above and appreciate the blessing from heaven, from a God who gives rain to the just and the unjust.
LikeLike
That sounds pervy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
God’s Golden Shower 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
My thoughts exactly!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yeah, why don’t you John!?
LikeLiked by 2 people
Is that the one Victoria wants you to buy?
LikeLike
Victoria? Neuro, you mean? Nope, we were talking about a uranium necklace.
LikeLike
Dang Violet, you said some things of merit, but you blew it with the last line about the dog; bless them little creatures.
Trying to find ‘completeness’ in another person will generally leave one empty, because we all bring flaws to the table. The magic that you speak of is not created by that one person alone……..but by the creation of the two now being one. Sounds rather scriptural, hey wait, it is.
You are complimenting the Creator, but not seeing the screw ups which are our faults, not His. As far as the breeding idea, which is true to some extent, again sounds like ‘be fruitful and multiply……….’ Genesis is always light years ahead.
.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Oh I don’t know, I’m in two minds. I think most of could easily be written off as nonsense, apart from the bit about the dog. That’s pure fact.
Be fruitful and multiply? It’s not very sensible advice for eternity. At some point, ‘be careful what you’re doing’ became the common sense consideration.
LikeLike
Ahhhh, Violet. How funny and sad that here you are sneering down at the entire concept of love, reducing us to nothing more than chemicals, compounds, and hormonal angst, while I some 30 years later am still trying to convince people that love is a real thing in the world. Divine love, brotherly love, romantic love, doesn’t matter, love is an energy that has a genuine substance, that can actually impact the molecules of water and make plants grow.
I had a chuckle over this, “You can’t dictate to your body when to be in love with someone because of the car they drive ..” You’d be surprised by how flexible attraction is, how we actually do dictate to our bodies how we will feel. Attraction is not magic mumbo jumbo or chemicals we cannot control. It actually begins in our brains and where our brains go, our bodies follow.
LikeLike
“It actually begins in our brains and where our brains go, our bodies follow.” Yes, there’s something in that. I didn’t mean to suggest we should be slaves to the chemicals (if I did?), but neither should we attempt to engineer love around what we perceive are ‘ideal’ circumstances. Like much else in life, it’s best to wait for the surprises, instead of limiting ourselves with pre-conceived notions that are of little importance.
I’m not sneering at love, I’m putting it in context. It is a wonderful feeling and drives many if not most of our actions throughout life.
LikeLike
Sneering? Seriously? Is that the best you can do? I hate to defend Violet- but everything she said is about real life. Real relationships. Real people. The kind who age and confront all sorts of problems.
Love as portrayed in literature and film are a fantasy. The day you have to get into a shower to bathe your mother-in-law who’s dying of vascular dementia, get back to us with your lessons of what love is. Meanwhile I’m quite certain the more mature of us here don’t need your advice. Annoying as she may be at times, I’m sticking with Violet.
LikeLike
“I’m sticking with Violet.”
I’ll send her my condolences.
As to getting back to you when I’m more mature, I’ve been bathing people with dementia for longer than you’ve been alive.
LikeLiked by 3 people
Yourself?
LikeLike
My self as a condolence prize? Sure why not, we’ll have tea and chat.
LikeLike
No, darling; You being the only demented person you were bathing.
Don’t play games and don’t try to use demagoguery because that only works with idiots. I was talking about love as a lifetime commitment. The imperfect kind. The kind Violet is talking about.
The kind which will make a 30 year old gay man strip down to his underwear and get into a shower to bathe his 80 year old mother in law who happens to think he’s her father.
LikeLike
You have the moral self righteousness of a rabid evangelical combined with the self loathing of a Catholic school boy. No wonder you hate religionists.
Get over your darn self, Pink. You aren’t special.
LikeLike
Coming from the woman who has spent her life bathing people with dementia? Mother Insanity the Fantasist herself?
No, my dear. I simply have the confidence of someone who has lived through a whole lot and never tried to blame anyone else or ask the skies for magical assistance. I also don’t need to lie about my history. I didn’t bathe hundreds of dementia sufferers in the Ganges, as you imply you did. It was just my mother in law. And it was in my house, but it required a very real variety of non-chemical love. The kind this post talks about.
LikeLike
If you had any genuine confidence Pink, you wouldn’t feel compelled to try to attack me.
LikeLike
You mean when much of your time is focused on attacking anyone who doesn’t subscribe to your religious ideology?
LikeLike
I don’t think I’ve attacked anyone. As a matter of fact, I just got myself kicked off a Catholic blog that seems to share Violet’s views on love, so your theory of religious ideology doesn’t really hold water.
LikeLike
Interesting. I’m prepared to be convinced. What’s your theory? (and congratulations for getting kicked off somewhere!)
LikeLiked by 1 person
So we’ve all bathed people with dementia. Nice to have something in common.
I’m not sure what you read into the post Pink, but it was only about romantic love. I did think it was curious you agreed with it.
If you followed Insanity more closely you would know she’s worked for a long time with people with dementia. You would also know that she fights for women’s rights in her own special way, in her cultural corner of the world. Please don’t be rude to her, you might find you could have an interesting conversation with her if you didn’t approach her with such unrestrained contempt.
LikeLiked by 2 people
No, my dear, most people have certainly not bathed people with dementia. Much less in circumstances where it’s not a parent or a paid occupation.
Your reading into romantic love has much greater implications than romantic love. Once we can get past all of the chemical/animal/reactive aspects, we can embark on something much more substantive.
I’m in a relationship which is approaching its 15 year anniversary. We enjoy each other’s company more than ever; but for that to be and to have been possible we had to put aside all sorts of preconceptions, everyone else’s expectations, and to have a willingness to embrace who and what we actually are. I was under the impression that was the intent of your post. Was I wrong?
LikeLike
I thought that was the main thrust.
But Wisp is right here. Insanity is a (volunteer, I think) care giver, so she probably does handle some ghastly awkward situations.
LikeLike
For love?
LikeLike
For love, what? The post being about the longer-term relationship, or Inanity being a part-time caregiver?
LikeLike
Both. My point was that real-life, non-chemical love led me to a place where I experienced very tough situations and was willing to confront them.
That was the essence of Violet’s text, even if her intentions or ideas were something else 😉
As for inanity… she’s filling out her score card right now. If she can get a woman who had an abortion to commit suicide she gets double glazing in heaven. Which is great because it’s cold up in the clouds. If she can inspire two anti-gay hate crimes she gets hardwood heavenly flooring (with underfloor heating!) The sky’s the limit!
LikeLike
That was the essence of Violet’s text, even if her intentions or ideas were something else
I think that was the essence. She’s just messing with your head. It has something to do with Pictland Winter Gloom Disease. Don’t mention fruit bowls or Brazilian beaches… Things could turn nasty.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gingers and Brazilian beaches were never a good match 😛
And now:
LikeLiked by 1 person
While I appreciate the humour in your comment here, you really don’t know Insanity at all. Follow her blog more closely for a bit longer. She’s misguided in a lot of areas but nothing she says would inspire hate crimes, and I think it’s silly to try to paint her in that light.
LikeLike
You’re an extraordinary literalist.
A hate crime begins with the notion that one group of people doesn’t deserve the same rights as others. That’s the foundation on which prejudice and discrimination are built. People want to disconnect the theoretical from the action, but they’re obviously entwined.
Keep in mind you’re talking about the person who defended the kill-the-gays law in Uganda.
In her own words “Recently there was much outrage over the alleged anti-homosexuality law in Uganda, but if you read the actual law it was speaking of forced sexual contact with minors with the intent to give them aids.”
Only “allegedly” anti-gay?
In reality the law criminalizes hoosexuality itself: “A person who attempts to commit ‘the offence of homosexuality’ can receive imprisonment for seven years.” – “A person who “purports to contract a marriage with another person of the same sex” commits the “offence of homosexuality” and can be imprisoned for life.”
As for her blog, I don’t have much patience for these word games she plays. I don’t hate the gays but the anti-gay Ugandan laws should be defended?
I’m sure you’d find her defence of the law a whole lot less silly if you were and LGBT person living in Kampala.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Cat got your tongue?
Looking for a way to put the kill the gays bill in good light? Or just to justify IB’s support for it?
I won’t deny I find the situation somewhat delicious. Primordially because you make judgements based more on the personality of the presenter of an argument than on the quality of the argument itself (or what the argument represents.)
This is exemplified rather beautifully here when I mention a difficult personal experience and how that relates to love. From there your reading is “this is about me and how he thinks he’s on a plateau and better than me.”- Fascinating stuff, as nothing I said had to do with superiority or you, personally. It had to do with the difference between chemical “love” and the mature variety which is actually a combination of many other feelings.
Very interesting.
LikeLike
Oddly enough, I actually occasionally have other things to do. I lose threads of conversation all the time these days, so do send me a reminder if you’re waiting for a response (as you’ve done here). If I were in your shoes and I’d read such a horrendously ignorant post on someone’s blog about Uganda, I would explain the real situation, in a straightforward manner, with supporting links. Insanity lives in America, and is part of a particular mindset that won’t give themselves access to the wider story on any topic. They follow blinkered websites and circulate atrocious memes on social media. She’s not stupid though, you give her the information and let her chew over it.
I’m not sure what situation is delicious. You suggested she would delight in someone being physically attacked or killed – I’m sure this is not the case. She has a different way of looking at things but she’s not nasty, she just see illogical paths to harm because of her chosen groupthink. I don’t think projection of delight in murder onto someone in this situation is productive or constructive. Please do engage in serious conversation with her if you really care about changing anything. At the very least, it will leave links to the truth on her post for other people reading it.
As for your personal experience relating to love, I would have had nothing to add if it had been left as your first comment. I only felt the need to interject because you were suggesting it was something out of the ordinary, and attacking Insanity suggesting she didn’t understand. I pointed out that both she and I have done some the same thing, and I don’t think it’s necessarily an act of love, but a practical task that has to be undertaken when you’re in that situation. Of course it can be done with love, or purely because of love for a third party, but if that’s the case, then the pure practicality aspect of undertaking the task must have been over-ridden by something else. I’m imagining disgust and shock in your case, based on the way you expressed it – that someone in your position would lower themselves to bathe an old woman? Of course I could be wrong, and I’m happy to hear why you think it’s such a huge deal that could only be done because of love.
LikeLike
The delicious part I referred to is called Zugzwang. It’s a chess thing.
And again, I stand but what I said. There’s no wiggling out of defending the Ugandan anti-gay law. The promotion and defence of it by American evangelicals created a hostile environment in which people were marginalized and others were killed.
When IB misrepresented the law, while at the same time accusing lgbt activists of defending child rape by opposing the law, she was doing exactly what I said she was doing: creating an environment which justifies and foments hate crimes.
As for the “bathing” I used that as an example because it represents the ultimate loss of personal autonomy. From the time we’re children we learn to close the bathroom door, by the time we’re pre-teens we lock it. I know at first the experience was much harder (psychologically) for my mother-in-law than for me. None of that actually has anything to do with putting soap to someone’s skin- no matter their age. And it takes an extraordinary amount of patience, kindness, openness, all of which translate to the variety of love I was referring to, to overcome.
LikeLike
“I was under the impression that was the intent of your post. Was I wrong?”
It’s interesting how we all interpret things, I can certainly see what you pulled from it. Perhaps your understanding shows how unique each relationship is and how ‘love advice’ is redundant. I think it’s important to understand the chemicals as much as possible, and in relation to how our traditional stories exploit them. But I also think it’s important to go with our chemicals – we can’t boil relationships down to any kind of formula that humans can fully understand, there’s so much going on under the skin.
In terms of your ‘romantic’ story about bathing your mother in law that has touched you so much, perhaps I’m like Insanity in that I’ve done similar things for people based on respect for them as people (not for money) who can’t get it done themselves. You obviously overcame some kind of horror or disgust at the thought of doing it, and feel you did it purely because of your love for your partner, which I can see you think is noble and lovely, but generally I find kind of sad. It’s not such a big deal, yet you seem to think you’ve stepped off a high plateau to do something almost beneath you? It’s just a body that needs washed, and a body that can physically help them.
LikeLike
No horror, no disgust. And certainly no plateau.But a period that marked me tremendously as Mike’s mother moved in with us and I witnessed the deterioration process first hand. From total clarity to nearly total fog. That’s not just a body that needs to be washed, my dear. It’s a death that precedes death. That’s a seriously big deal.
LikeLike
I missed this one. Yes, it’s a horrible journey, and devastating for close relatives to lose their loved one before their eyes. A lot of work and incredibly emotionally draining to live with someone in the advanced stages. I don’t mean to belittle the experience, I just find it odd you were attempting to lord it over Insanity as something she wouldn’t understand.
LikeLike
Not “lord it over.” We’re not in a personality competition. We’re debating ideas and their relation to real life.
I contended and stand by the notion that the descriptions of love promoted by religions, literature and film are artificial and rather shallow.
You spoke of the chemical reaction; IB says the chemical aspect is irrelevant. What neither mentioned is that the chemical variety is the one that society puts up as the bar for what people should/must expect.
Everything is supposed to be a fairytale, and many people expect that fairytale, and the result is now most marriages end before their second anniversary. Just over 20% of the elderly in the EU live lives of chronic solitude.
LikeLike
Just in case you didn’t get the sense of the deliciousness of Zugzwang~ it’s exactly what can be observed here in the comments.
As you framed it, IB isn’t really responsible for defending the kill-the-gays-bill in Uganda. The person who’s actually responsible for *her* arguments is *me*. It’s my fault for not providing her evidence (with links?) Not her fault for not researching. Not her fault for saying lgbt activists defend child rape. Not at all. It’s *my* fault.
That, my dear, is Zugzwang. The statement just doesn’t survive scrutiny. You’re trying to lay blame on me for something she did when I had no role in her affairs whatsoever, at any time.
Zugzwang
LikeLike
Okay, if you say so, your game of oneupmanship, your rules. 🙂
LikeLike
Did you find the post annoying Pink? There are secret messages for especially for you in there. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s poignant. It goes where people don’t generally want to go. I’m sure it reminds all of us of when we were 15 or 17 and those chemicals were going full speed ahead. It pulls back the curtains that most are desperately trying to keep in place.
Well done.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You are always on at me to get a dog, and last night I had a cuddle, which was much better. And, even better, she opened up and trusted me, more than before, and I saw the difficulty she had with it, and I feel respected. Dunno where it can go, but right now I feel really really wonderful. Oh, and I have a job interview, involving a mandatory overnight stay at the employer’s, early in January.
She said, if she had found someone but she knew it was better for them somewhere else she would let them go. I said, in the impossible situation that I could control you, I would lose out. We are old enough to see each other past the chemicals.
LikeLike
Good to hear things are going well. But how do you know a cuddle is better than a dog? And why can’t you have both? I have no success in convincing people to get dogs, it’s frustrating. So many cutesters barking in doggy homes, and so many people who would benefit from their company.
LikeLike
Because an animal of my own species is preferable to a symbiont, however cute. I had a dog as a child. She was lovely.
LikeLike
I don’t know, a dog’s more than that. I might do yet another post on them. 🙂
LikeLike
Excellent post, Violet. I couldn’t agree more.
LikeLike
Thank you! I wondered if it was a rambling pile of nonsense in the end. Love advice doesn’t make sense, everyone’s experience is so different.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wish I had realized that early 20s thing sooner.
LikeLike
It can be circumvented for a few more years by extending the lower age limit you’d consider. 🙂
LikeLike
Ha-ha.. That only goes so far.
LikeLike
I’ve been fortunate to have had a few good close friends and aquaintences. Life partnership is not always or only a sexual thing. For me contentment is key. Finding someone that doesn’t necessarily complete you, but rather us complete in themselves as you are in yourself so that two wholes become one new thing. 🙂
I married at 39, was content as a single before that, but I knew I wanted a wife. Never was a difficult thing for me except for about 4yrs inbetween. Much better to be single than wish you were.
LikeLike
“Life partnership is not always or only a sexual thing.” Agreed. But for most people it should be built on that, it’s a key need of the average human, although obviously not for all.
“Finding someone that doesn’t necessarily complete you, but rather us complete in themselves as you are in yourself so that two wholes become one new thing.” Yes, this is a good point. Every individual we could potentially partner with brings out different features in each of us.
I love the idea of being single, but the reality can be difficult. I think most of us function better in a relationship.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love chemicals and oxytocin…
My, my how times have changed!
LikeLike
How did they do it in your day, SOM? Your god created two specific people only for each other and forever? Are you married?
LikeLike
You should start an advice column in our daily or weekend newspaper
LikeLike
What are you talking about? I should run the world! 😀
LikeLike
That is now being too ambitious
LikeLike
Pingback: Violet’s love advice… | See, there's this thing called biology...
I am happy to say that we have at least one set of curtains that were there at the beginning. Granted, they are in a box in the storeroom, but still ….
LikeLike
Maybe I should rethink the importance of curtains in that case. 🙂
We have none.
LikeLiked by 1 person
It should be taught: love is not a feeling…love is a decision.
By deliberately choosing to love, we are deciding to be all of the following: patient, kind, unenvious, unboastful, not brag, nor strut about.
There’s no arrogance in love; it’s never rude, crude, or indecent—it’s not self-absorbed. Love isn’t easily upset. Love doesn’t tally wrongs or celebrate injustice; but truth—yes, truth—is love’s delight!
Love puts up with anything and everything that comes along; it trusts, hopes, and endures no matter what. Love will never become obsolete.
LikeLike
Oh, love is so much a delicious feeling! You’re missing out. 🙂 I think it’s possible to both indulge in the delicious feeling and be aware of the dangers of the intoxication.
LikeLike
Well, this eros/erotic love that you describe here is only a small part of the entirety of all love is. It’s impossible to sustain any meaningful (long-term) relationship on just “delicious feeling” bordering on intoxication 🙂
The reality is, eros within a meaningful, long-term commitment can only be sustained through deliberate agape (described above)… otherwise, one will be flitting through life like a butterfly from flower to flower in search of/trying to maintain an elusive permanent “delicious feeling” – that cannot be anything but momentary/temporary.
What then fills the rest of the moments.
LikeLike
“otherwise, one will be flitting through life like a butterfly from flower to flower in search of/trying to maintain an elusive permanent “delicious feeling” – that cannot be anything but momentary/temporary”
I agree with you, I think I covered that in the post. It’s a problem for a lot of people – addicted to falling in love but no idea what to do when a down cycle hits. Maybe it works for some people, but I think most humans feel more content with a deeper bond.
But I also think it’s dangerous to embark on a long-term relationship with someone if you’ve never experienced that delicious feeling together, or worse, if you’ve never experienced that delicious feeling at all. It comes and goes. Insanity assures me even into her 70s and 80s.
LikeLike
I liked a lot of what you say here Violet and as a dog lover myself I do tend to agree they make great companions. The older I get and the more I’ve learned from relationships, even or maybe especially so the really crappy ones, is that love is a choice. I used to absolutely hate when someone said this but I see now how you really have to force yourself sometimes to go on loving someone even though in that moment you might not even like them.
Oh, curtains? Please tell me you didn’t make a love choice over this…;)
LikeLike
Yes, I used to cringe when people said you have to work on relationships. Even if you can’t bear to work on them, you have to focus on the long-term if you don’t want the disruption of chop and change throughout your life. I feel sorry for couples who commit to having children early in their relationship when they’ve not had time to go through and accept cycles of attraction, or even, as you say, liking someone. I think not understanding that this happens in the vast majority, if not all relationships, leads to people giving up on something that could get through a bad patch and go on. That said, I don’t think couples should stick together forever just because they said they would. I don’t think I can force myself to love someone, but I could certainly ride out the feeling that I don’t love them until it comes round again, in the knowledge that it usually does.
The curtains were something I picked up in the comments in someone else’s post. Someone (I won’t say who, but they’re close by) suggested that their fancy curtains made them know the relationship was worthwhile. Choke.
LikeLiked by 1 person
@Violet
Awesome pic, especially when opened up to a larger window. Very cool.
@pink
Aw, nevermind……………..if I told you that sunshine is valuable, you will find a way to say I was deluded. What you say about good people can only come from a distorted lens. Your comments of perpetual darkness would make even the grossest of pessimists to have sympathy.
Need a clue? How about this word: dementia.
LikeLike
Thank you for the picture praise ColorStorm. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: bad research and the dangers of groupthink | violetwisp