Comment of the month from JZ – social media is the problem

Apologies for some of the vocabulary in this comment of the month from my best blogging buddy John Zande. If you like the way he writes, you should buy his book.

Social media *is* the problem. The majority of people are normal, sane, rational, generally goodhearted. One person from a tiny, tiny island of genuinely crazy people says something ludicrous on social media to another genuinely crazy person who just so happens to physically live 327 kilometres away, who then shares this piece of gold-plated lunacy with two other genuinely crazy people he met online and who live 1,200 and 2,300 kilometres away respectively. Following a misplaced search for Anime porn, a single person who (apart from her rather odd preoccupation with animated Japanese porn) happily resides on the vast continent of sane, rational, generally goodhearted people arrives accidently on the page of the tiny island crazy person where this nugget of lunacy immediately catches her attention. Anime porn girl is shocked, leaves an appropriately terse, grammatically correct comment, and then shares the insanity with her circle of sane, rational, generally goodhearted people who, in turn, share it with their circles of sane, rational, generally goodhearted people, and before you know it hundreds of sane, rational, generally goodhearted (grammatically astute) people suddenly swing into action to demolish the lunacy and defend normalcy. Result: Crazy thing tiny island person said is elevated into the public consciousness and, against all odds, by 3 O’clock Monday afternoon actually becomes something. Becoming something merely motivates more people from the continent of sane, rational, generally goodhearted people to jump in and let tiny island crazy people know they’re fucking insane. This makes the people living on the sane, rational, generally goodhearted continent feel good about themselves, but the unexpected result of this brief warm fuzzy feeling is that tiny island crazy people magically advance twelve-thousand levels in Wizard Power, broadening their resolve to post nonsense, and by doing so, attracting millions of sane, rational, generally goodhearted people to their virtual doorstep just to say “Fuck off.” Result: an advertising placement professional named Nigel tells man selling really cool socks (named Angus) that he should invest a reasonable sum of money (*reasonable considering the cost of other media placements) and carpet-bomb tiny island crazy people’s pages on social media. Angus doesn’t like tiny island crazy people, he thinks they’re insane spoons, and they are, but Nigel is persuasive (he loathes tiny island crazy people too, and over Snapchat they laugh about their shared humanity), and so he agrees and writes out a cheque. Business is business, after all. Now, because his socks really are very cool, Angus makes a staggeringly quick fortune from online sales made from the millions of sane, rational, generally goodhearted people who happen to see his appealing ads between bouts of yelling FUCK OFF FUCKTRUMPETS to the latest crap posted by tiny island crazy people…. who’re now posting their insane bullshit between giving interviews with big city magazine journalists determined to write that killer article on just how brain-haemorrhaging insane—and dangerous—tiny island crazy people are. That Wednesday, TV producer from cable news reads killer magazine article, gets a spectacularly bad idea, and invites tiny island crazy person on that night to discuss a host of his ludicrous ideas with smart people who—TV producer hopes—will completely lose their shit as they tell tiny island crazy person just how ludicrous those ludicrous ideas really are. Surprising no one, it proves a ratings bonanza as millions upon millions of sane, rational, generally goodhearted people scream FUCK OFF at their televisions while wondering who on God’s Green Earth would give this weapons-grade fucknugget a platform to spout such bullshit. Thursday morning, clips from cable news show are shared around the world, and at 11.22 AM tiny island crazy person gets a call from an extraordinarily successful ambulance-chasing publicist. At 1.30 PM, Angus buys that plane he always dreamed of, and then, just as the wheels leave the tarmac, he texts Nigel with a hilarious meme he just saw showing just how insane tiny island crazy people are.

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