step by step christianity


In order to assist my Christian friends bring more faithful to fold, I thought it would be nice to boil Christianity down to it’s purest, simplest form so that any passers-by who aren’t familiar with the love story of Christianity can instantly understand why it’s such a successful religion.

  1. There is one creator-of-all superbeing. He is a father figure male deity who knows absolutely everything about the past, present and future, and has the power to do anything.
  2. This creator superbeing lovingly created humans in complete benevolence but thinks they’re rubbish and very, very bad. He is perfect. In the past, he asked the tiny population of his only favourite people to kill animals to make him feel better about how rubbish they, the favourite people, were.
  3. The creator superbeing got so annoyed with how rubbish humans are that thousands of years ago he killed all of them apart from one family, who repopulated the planet from scratch with their hopefully not-so-disgusting offspring.
  4. Unfortunately, the creator superbeing was still really distressed with how awful humans had turned out but had promised not to murder them all ever again, after the first necessary mass drowning genocide. So, he decided he would pop down to Earth in the form of his son, then get himself killed so that no more animals ever needed to be killed for bad behaviour.
  5. If you believe in the creator superbeing’s son-self and love him with all your heart, when you die you will live in an eternal paradise of love. If you don’t, it’s probable you’ll suffer for all eternity.

If any part of this story sounds plausible or worth following, please seek medical attention.

If any Christians popping by feel I have misrepresented any salient points about the beautiful love story that is their religion, please correct me, providing Bible references.