being bad
I was brought up in a family where punishment of any sort was virtually unknown, and then it was in the form of restitution or compensation. No matter what our trespass was, we were drawn into a conversation where we learnt why a particular action (or inaction) wasn’t appropriate. Often, this was in a series of questions where we were encouraged to work out for ourselves what it was we did wrong, and what better alternatives we could have taken. (Another Spectrum)
I find that good parenting is obvious … when I read how other people do it. However, when I’ve been up four times in the night, I’m trying to feed my baby and my three year old kicks off, I completely lose sight of any constructive action and start shouting “BAD”. It doesn’t work. I know it doesn’t work and yet it’s the furious, knee-jerk reaction that I continue to pointlessly dish out. In my frustration and lack of control, I am merely solidifying the notion that she is indeed bad, and also feeding her sense of achievement that she has provoked a reaction, any reaction, and got an amusing, or at least interesting, bout of attention.
So it was a relief for me to read the simple and sensible strategy from Barry quoted above. It reminded me of how I had planned to parent, in the days when I wrote my guidelines for child-rearing and reflected on the crushing weight of responsibility. These sensible thoughts had slipped from my mind as the fog descended.
I thoroughly recommend the excellent series that the above quote comes from. Interesting, informative and very well written.
I’m having a blog writing break of sorts white I sort out the various stresses and messes, but will be around for the occasional lurk when time permits. I hope all my blog buddies are well and that the great invisible creator dragon Dragon is filling their lives with happiness and money. If not, it’s probably because they’ve been BAD.
Been there —
You know you’re there when “Because I said so!” becomes your explanation of choice.
LikeLike
I’ve managed to avoid that most of time (although it’s boiling inside me), but the explanations become like water off a duck’s back. I need to get her thinking about why she shouldn’t do things.
LikeLike
ha, ha. Mine was “I’m the mother, you’re the child – that’s why”. Violet, this too shall pass! But I hear ya . . . sigh. . . I’m thinking of you, especially since I’ve had four g’children since noon – the 18-month-old is asleep (FINALLY!), the breastfed 9-month old has left after basically crying all afternoon (which meant that I had to cart him around and look/run after the other 3). It’s been non-stop fetch/snack-making/settling arguments with the 3 and 4 year old.
It’s nice when they’re finally in bed, eh?? (I remember those days of interrupted sleep also – can you say ‘zombie’?)
Sending along positive vibes. . . 🙂 You don’t want to see my house. . .
LikeLike
Oooh, that sounds like a fun day! I’ll send you positive vibes right back. 😀
LikeLike
Don’t go too far… My book is about to come out, like on Monday. You can read it on your break 😉
LikeLike
I am waiting for that book so bad
LikeLike
How does one wait bad? No is so good your English.
LikeLike
That is how we say it in Luo, arch.
One day when I meet with you, I will make sure you pay for all this.
Hope you are doing well
LikeLike
Arch, you really need to read this post. You’re shockingly silly.
LikeLike
“shockingly silly“? Well doesn’t THAT just put the frosting on the cake?! I’ve never been shocked by ANYthing silly – great admirer, in fact. You must shock easily.
LikeLike
LikeLike
A book?? I didn’t realise, I thought you were working on a very long post! 😀 What format? Where? Is this the evil god thing?
LikeLike
Yup, evil Capital “G” God 🙂
LikeLike
Where’s this book then?
LikeLike
Consulting the US tax man. The bastards will withhold 30% if you don’t do all the paperwork to say you’re from a treaty country. Australia is a treaty country. Brazil is not… And so begins the circus.
5 minutes ago i submitted the final forms. I’m now my sister living on the Gold Coast. Eat that Bruce Jenner! 🙂 That is for the print version. The e-book was up for a while, but as I was waiting I made some changes to the overall text and am now having those inserted so both versions are pretty much the same. I don’t really like the e-book format, though. Considering the subject matter its not easy on the eye.
So… have to wait for the tax man to say OK, then it’ll be up and out.
LikeLike
Oh, and Violet – I’ll bet that, like our daughter who’ll be 38 next week and has three kids – 5 and under – you never refuse a glass of wine! 🙂
LikeLike
Ha, I wish! Apart from the fact that I’d have even less patience if I threw alcohol into the mix, I’m pretty much allergic to it these days. I’m planning to have another run at it in the next few months once I stop breastfeeding to see if it’s still the case. Poor me!!
LikeLike
Thank you Violet for the recommendation. I’m fortunate in that I’m very, very slow to anger, and as many of my friends and family quote “the patience of a saint”. So what was relatively easy for me, my wife found very difficult. Where this method really really shines, is when the children reach their teen years. They are already practised in respectfully negotiating limits based in the guiding principles they have learnt. This is a time when they want to rebel and spread their wings, and it’s better they have a good foundation of guiding principles than a set of (sometimes petty) rules.
LikeLike
That makes sense, I look forward to reaping the rewards, hah. I’ve already had a couple of occasions to try it, and the outcomes so far have been better. Just need to be consistent now …
LikeLiked by 1 person
Greetings Violet.
LikeLike
Right back at you! How are things going? Don’t be so light on Arch, he’s a linguistic creationist and needs knocked on the head.
LikeLike
Things are going well with me.
I don’t know what to do with arch
LikeLike
It’s these culturally sheltered types that don’t understand the richness of language and communication. They think it is somehow set in stone, they deny the evolution of language. 😉
LikeLike
Mak – who DOES know what to do with Arch?? 😉
LikeLike
I thought I could get some help here on what to do with him.
LikeLike
LikeLike
I have no children of my own, so I guess I am not really qualified to comment this, but the method described abowe in the quote of the topic post was pretty much the same my parents applied decades ago on me.
I was never hit by my parents and they had the patience to explain me all the why’s. And they taught me patience, by asking me to wait for the answer. I can remember only a couple of times when they did lost temper with me, and it was all the more effective, because it was nothing at all, that I had been used to. The mere possibility, that they might be angered and displeased by me, was terrible enough, that I did not even got to thinking wether, if it would lead to anything even more serious like some form of punishments. Both of my parents were temperamental people, but I guess only in Finnish terms…
I am also the wrong person to evaluate myself, or even my sisters on how they turned out, because my scope is necessarily limited. However, I can say, that despite our labourer parents my sisters are well of economically, have studied hard, both have been married for decades are loved by their neighbours and co-workers, not to mention their family and friends. This is what I evaluate as a success in life. I guess most of that also applies to me. I am content with myself and my sisters and how they come along with their children and those with theirs. None of them has ever had to rely on violence, or even threats of punishments, as far as I know.
My mom always said, that only my eldest sister had the troubled teens, and that me and my younger big sister were terribly easy. Consequently, my wife jokes, that I never really grew up, and I guess she is right in that I am very much a child at heart even though I have reached my middle age years. I like to play, learn new stuff and I do experience constant awe and wonder about the world.
I guess patience is something we learn. As with all things it is harder for some than others, but not impossible.
LikeLiked by 1 person
In my sons teenage years it’s been “Because I get to make the rules” or “My roof, my rules”.
Hehe. Oh well I have a great kid and he rarely needs redirection, but every now and then. I play the I’m the boss cards as above. But it is rare. 🙂
/hugs
It’s been two weeks since you posted here
Threw up your hands and said “oh dear”
Five days since you talked to me
Saying “Come back to my blog and see”
Three days before I come there and kiss you
So come back now don’t make me find you
Yesterday you’d come by to see
But it will still be two days before you know we’re sorry.
🙂
Violet come back we miss you! Ok, ok “I” miss you.
LikeLike